Wednesday, June 30, 2010

In the Morning :: Day 3

I have found myself longing for the carefree summers of childhood A LOT lately. Days where I could do my chores, and then be at ease. The sweet grass scenting the hot air around me, the crushed-velvetiness of Sioux's muzzle against my fingers as I fed her apples or corn husks, Bug-a-Boo with her snaggle tooth constantly at me heels - ready to plop down in the shade of the cherry tree whenever I did. Catching grasshoppers, riding bareback, making up songs, climbing hay stacks, swinging from tree branches, picking berries at whim...

These days it is always winter in my mind/heart. Just trying to make it from one day to the next without dying of exposure to the 'elements' of "How are we going to make ends meet?", "Why am I 40 with no really close friends?", "Dreams? You mean more pain of unmet expectations?", "Why is the absence of God so much more real than the presence of God?"...

There are moments, though. Moments when none of that is in my thoughts and the winter gray lifts and I can see the sun and feel it's warmth. Momentary hope. Usually first thing in the morning before the cares of life have time to crowd in on my foggy brain. Then I can walk out to the yard and find a welcoming warmth as I settle onto a deck chair with my cuppa, and Cricket hops onto my lap. All I hear is the breeze. All I feel is peace.

I wish the 2 worlds were more intertwined. Wishing doesn't do much for my agitated spirit though. Somehow I need to find a way to reach for the peace of the summers past in the midst of today's harshness of my heart's winter.
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