Monday, January 28, 2008
"I love God. I want to follow Him, but right now I just feel, I don't know, indifferent."
I honestly believed it was ok to feel this way. That it was better than turning away from God completely or becoming a hypocrite and saying one thing while feeling another.
Last week on a drive along back roads with J we were listening to a podcast message by Matt Chandler. We listen to Matt often because he doesn't wear kid-gloves when he preaches, yet you walk away knowing the Truth of the gospel, and feel loved by God. Somewhere in his message Matt made the statement, "The opposite of Love isn't hate. The opposite of Love is indifference." I didn't hear the rest of the message. My heart stopped right there.
I began to hear those words every time I didn't want to read my Bible in the morning, in my dreams, and each time I felt empty or saddened by my current state of being.
I looked up 'indifference'.
Being indifferent would mean being dispassionate about the things that happen around you. Then you would enjoy the show without being involved.
Dispassionate, apathetic, mediocre, unconcerned, aloof, and detatched were mentioned for synanyms.
What a scary place to be. I feel like I have been hanging on by my toes at the edge of a precipice and was so aloof that I didn't even realize it, or care. Realizing it now brings tears. That I could grow so cold toward such warm and gracious love and mercy.
Time to die again.
the Crucifixtion of me.
I am crucified in Christ, therefore I no longer live. Jesus Christ, risen because He was without sin, now lives in me... Right?
Why can't I nail this to my heart? Imbed it? Allow it to take root and flourish?
Thursday, January 24, 2008
2 weeks later, when James was offered the position, Denny and Kathy gave James a place to live, and became his family while we stayed in Washington to get the house ready to sell. He was with them for 2 months. Kathy called me twice during that season to see how I was doing and to pray for me. She and Denny sent us notes to tell us they couldn't wait for us to come.
In November of 2007 when we arrived, but our stuff didn't, Kathy gave us sleeping bags and pillows to sleep in until the movers finally made it.
Kathy enveloped us and after having just moved away from everything familiar, she and Denny filled our need for family.
Now we are losing her. I know God is so happy to have her coming home to Him, and she is happy to go. She told me about the Bible study she was going to do on the life of Moses and then said, "I'll just go ask him all about himself now." She is ready. Wish that made it easier to let go, and to live without her.
We said goodbye yesterday. James and Cassia and I (Minda and Tof have been sick, so they couldn't come). As I was leaving, Kathy took my hand and said, "Deea, trust Him, trust His heart." She knew even then just what I needed to hear, just what I was questioning. I don't understand, but I do know God's love is enough.
Goodbye, Kathy. We love you.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
God, give us love in the time that we have ~sam beam
We have had (according to Bridger Mountain report) more than 5 feet of snow in the past 4 days! This is the first morning I have woken up in 5 days that new snow has not cast it's blanket over us. It beautiful and cold, and we have been shoveling our little heart's out. Yes, even Mom and Dad have gotten in on the action! We've gotten stuck twice and had to dig our way out!
A few things have happened in the past few days.
Our friend, Kathy, is dying rapidly of Lukemia. She is home in hospice care. We are praying, but she is at peace with going home to be with Jesus. It makes us no less sad to be without our spunky, intercessor down here.
Our van is in the shop, making us a one car family for a bit. It's reminding me of the early days of marriage. I think until the kids were about 11,9, and 7 we only had one vehicle. It'll be an adventure.
I am beginning to makeover our bedroom. Christmas $$ allowed me to get some things we have desperately needed (fabric for curtains!!) and I have chosen colors for the walls. I'm making the curtains now. You know there will be photos soon...
Hope all of your winters are going well!