Questions and Answers

1. What do you want most out of life?  Adventure and security, time without demands on it, a settled home where roots can go deep.

2. What do you want to see happen in the world?  For the US dollar to be worth so much that it makes it easy for me to see the rest of the world.  For human trafficing to be forever abolished; For children to be safe and cherished. 

3. What makes you special?  Nothing really.  Anything of value in me is because of Jesus.

4. Things I can do/am capable of doing right now.  Being aware of the great graces and blessings of this life I lead.  Cherishing moments and days.  Capturing beauty both with heart and lens.  Smiling even though it deepens wrinkles and exposes crooked, & missing teeth.  Letting others know they are loved, wanted, & unique.  Choosing joy.
 

Don't Look Now... {2}

How would I describe me?

Old and out of shape.

Kind, comfortable, & little.

Sassy, stubborn, wistful, & wishful.

Easy laugh-er.

 I see me in their eyes.  They don't describe me the way I describe myself.

 They say I'm "GAHgeous" & cute.  

Generous, caring, loyal, & hospitable.

They say I'm a dreamer.

Wise & stuffed with awesome.

Employee of the month, Mom, family oriented.

Jovial.

Chef & cuddler.

 I want to be seen as a woman who is full of grace, talented, and a person of peace.  I want others to be drawn to me ~ or see something in me that makes them look deeper & want to get to know me.

I wonder if they see a reflection of something larger than myself in me.  Do I sparkle?

Don't Look Now... {1}

The context of my life?  Home, family, relationship.  They are who I am.  They are the environment and the substance that bring cohesion and sense to life - that tell me who I am, why I am here, how to fully live.
Who am I?
*I am an introvert.  Deriver of energy from solitude.  It isn't shyness, nor is it vulnerability - I just like to be alone.  Family and relationship challenges me to expel energy - to let it overflow on them.
*I am an early riser.  Watcher of the pink light of dawn through the firs.  Relisher of the quiet stillness.  Delighter in the languid hours.
*I am a devoted becomer.  Dedicated to metamorphosis.  Committed to the process of growth - of becoming.
I am a :
~ seed planter
~ decipherer of words
~ believer
~ audience & confidant
~ chronicler of memories
~ pupil
~ list maker
~ note taker
~ patron of the green grocer
~ organic / local/ slow food advocate and devourer
~ red wine imbiber
~ master (rather, mistress) of a Pekingese
~ wifer-for-lifer
~ mommy
~ auntie
~ sister
~ friend
~ cook
~ servant
~ thought provoker
~ coffee connoisseur /snob
~ lover & fighter (protector of whom I love)
There is probably more.  In the past the list would have been much longer. Growing older has whittled away the requirements of me.  The emerging image from beneath the knife's blade is someone I am happy to be, though.
There are roles I wish I was cast for.  Ones that I still hope the whetted edge carves into me somehow.

What I can't say I am, that I so wish I could:
~ incessant world traveler
~ daughter
~ author of classics
~ head turner, *sigh*

Carry me on my way... {5}

"Today, and often times, joy is ... lilacs in the rain. And I don’t think Jesus minds that. 

As long as I grab the joy and hold it for a while, sinking my face into the sweet fragrance of its blossoms, letting the juice of it run out the corners of my mouth, laughing all the while, the next time He sends some my way." ~Amy Sorrells

Once upon a time there was a girl in a calico dress, faded by years of washing, and drying in the sunshine.  She wasn't the first to wear it.  It had been handed down, and down again, and down again, until at last it had reached her.  She loved it.  The softness of the fabric, the tiny bit of lace at the sleeves and collar, the smocking around her chest.  She felt beautiful in it.  Her eyes didn't see the looks of the other little girls who wore dresses from stores that had vibrant colors and yards of lace.  Her ears didn't hear their scornful snickers as she passed them on her way home from school.  Or, at least, not until one especially wealthy little girl jumped in front of her and mocked her openly.  

Tears streamed down her cheeks as she ran home to an empty house.  Mama was at school.  Did the girls at Mama's school think horrible things about her too?  Why would anyone say such things?  Why would someone wish to cause her pain? 

Time passed and the girl grew to be a beauty, inside more than out.  Pain continued to be her companion, but it was a companion of strength not sorrow or saplessness.  Mama had told her, that day long ago, that great joy lurks on the underbelly of ache & so she had gone about, forever turning it over, finding the delight beneath. 

Today the calico is exceedingly faded.  Faded but loved all the more by her own little girls who will wash it and hang it to dry in the sunshine for their own small ones.

end note:
The little girl of old now walks in high heels with painted toenails, & believes strongly in 2nd hand shopping & hand-me-downs.  :) 

Carry me on my way... {4}

Home is a place not only of strong affections, but of entire unreserve; it is life's undress rehearsal, its backroom, its dressing room.  ~Harriet Beecher Stowe

Life took a drastic turn two weeks ago when Mama left this world.  I had prayed for her to go quickly and without pain when I made the decision to sedate her so she wouldn't get hurt trying to get up without help, but I wasn't prepared for her to go in a single day. 

We'd always been close.  Not that we hadn't both made mistakes, but we were not going to stay estranged because of them.  Nothing had been left unsaid. We had spent the months previous basking in eachother's company and becoming a part of eachother's lives more deeply even than before.  Still, I wish I would have taken one more moment to really tell her how much I love her.

J's parents took me into their home and cared for me sweetly while I prepared for Mama's home-going service, but nothing was right with J far away in Montana. He is my "home", and I was homesick.  

I was anxious to be back in "life as normal"; sleeping next to him, laughing at his silly jokes, knowing he was home by his song reaching me before my eyes saw him, cuddling on the couch after a long day...  

Now that I am here, I'm finding it hard to leave and go back to WA to finish up estate stuff.  I just want to remain.  

Maybe it's also knowing that Mama won't be there at the end this time.  It'll be my first journey without her hugs, without her smile, without her.

Carry me on my way... {3}

Born - to parents who had just adopted a son and were contemplating divorce. 10 months later they were; I looked just like my father...
18 months - Spinal Meningitis.  Not expected to live.  Proved them wrong.
2 yr - Car accident. 45 stitches across face. No scar.
8 yrs - first realization of how destitute we were and how cruel children can be. Begin journals and photographing life with Mama's camera.
12 yr - lie about a life.  wish it were truth.  Met Laura. One friend is worth more than a 1000 so-called's.
16 yr - met James in dance class. wrote all summer.
18 yr - married James, for love. Taught ballet, for love.

19, 20, 23 yr - Cassia, Christopher, Minda.  Motherhood is a grace and a glory.
32 yr - diagnosed with Lupus. no cure. Prayer & faith work miracles.
35 & 36 yr - Korea. Kindness & respect ~ received and given.
36 yr - Daddy dies unexpectedly.  So hard to not say 'good-bye'.
40 yr -  Mama dies. 4 months after cancer diagnosis. 'Good-bye' doesn't make it easier.

Carry me on my way... {2}

Travel.  To & fro.  8.5 hours one way.  Joy in the process.

Contemplative.  Contemplate, wonder at, stand in awe. Be. Amazed.
The way (my way) seeks an ever-expanding level of fluency and grace.
We live in a fantastically big and small world.

 Give more than take; allow future generations the same gift -

Wild Geese ~ Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good. 
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting--
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

 In the family of them ...

Carry me on my way... {1}

Barefoot.  Without shoe or sock, sole or stocking.  Unclad, uncovered, undressed.
Grampa called me "Okie".   Through grasses, across gravel, & over dusty trails with nary a shod tootsie. 

Even today, in my grown-up world, it's all about comfort.   Børn flip flops cradle my summer feet when shoes are necessary.  Otherwise, without, I wander.
I've trained, unknowingly, my girls to follow suit.

Daily paths lead me to feel ~ to know the way by touch.  Tactile.  Rough, cold, grooved, cushy ... surface utterances communicated, articulated, understood.

Arriving at a destination fully aware of the pleasures, dangers, bumps and great leaps traversed amidst the trek.

The Living - Life Giving Word

"The Word became flesh and dwelt among us" - I woke with these words breaking through the dream-cobwebs of my sleepy mind this morning. Pictures of God speaking and visible words coming from His mouth becoming strings that began to be knit together in the darkness of a womb. The Word. Fleshed out. Actual living words. Words of promise and life and hope, spoken before time began were being encased in the flesh of baby. Breath of Heaven that gave life to Adam at the beginning now becoming that breath to give life in a new way each and every day til the end of time.

Every year it seems to impact me in a different manner. I know it is real. I know Truth. But in moments like this morning, when Holy Spirit overshadows me and hovers over the deep of my sleep, there is a new birth within - a sense that life will never look or feel the same.

Merry Christmas.

Times of Tradition - #5

Tradition #5:
The Christmas Letter. I have friends who blog and they won't be sending a letter because they figure whoever reads their blog already knows what is going on in their lives. I probably could have done that this year. However, because this is a public blog again, there are certain issues and life stuff I don't go into on it - though I would love to spill my guts sometimes! Our letters are a little more personal usually. Not so much this year. I like to write. Not so much this year. I wrote and rewrote this letter 4 different times, 4 different ways, 4 different styles. I wanted to really let everyone know what we are going through, but who wants to read about flagellation at Christmas time? So I kept it to a list of events that we enjoyed and are thankful for.
We always include a photo of the kids with the letter - either photocopied on it or seperately. I have the originals for the past 15 years! Pretty soon the kids will be gone and ya'll will have to settle for a photo of us old codgers instead.
I'll post this years letter below, though you may want to wait for it's arrival in your mailbox. :o)

Paul Family 2008 To-do Lists
James
* Ski Brigder with Tofer until April.
* Witness MacGyver (aka Mark Foster) fix a snowmobile with branches after I run it into a tree.
* MC @ VBS @ YAA in the snow even though it’ll be June. “Ah Ha!”
* Take staff to U23D, get them to wear sunglasses and do “rock star” photos so I can create a poster.
* Hack, I mean, play in Young Life golf tournament with Dan Barnes, Don Murray, Scott Morales & Scott’s behemoth driver. “Everybody pretend to putt! Here comes the owner of the house I just hit.”
* Be interrogated for accreditation for 3 hours. Wax eloquent. Eat, drink & be merry for tomorrow we can drink no more wine.
* Welcome incoming MSU freshmen @ Catapalooza. Give them all a water bottle with the label you design as a “shout out” to Alliance Fellowship!
* Preach- twice, & lead worship, & transport everything to and from MSU, & don’t sleep the night previous.
* Continue meeting weekly with younger guys who seem to think I can help them. Always meet where you can get coffee.
* Meet often with older men because I need help. Always meet where you can get coffee.
* Drive to Moses Lake for Dad’s 68th birthday. 11 of us will be together for the first time in years – and Conner will drool for us non-stop.
* Culminate 2 year plan to have ‘Worship Without Borders’ conference with Tim & Maryl Smith. Make sure it’s after several days of long meetings & have little to no sleep so that you are in a dweeb state of mind - & still see God give fresh vision & life to the team.
* Present vision for home groups. Recruit vision team. Wisdom in the council of many.
Cassia
* Be 'Techew Cashwa' to the 3-5 year olds. …"So then David-" “Hey Techew, look at my new shoes!” “Yes. They’re very cool, but let’s learn about David, Ok?” Bring “delicious surprises”, just so I can hear Christopher Burcham’s passionate “Mmmmmm!”
* File FAFSA & apply to colleges. Because, I so enjoy filling my days with paperwork & answering the same question 50 times.
* Road trip with Mom to Crown College in Minnesota. *Note to self* Never say, “I’m at a ¼ tank, I’ll fill up at the next gas station,” when crossing North Dakota.”
* Be awarded $14000 in scholarships. & after realizing you still need $14000 more for a year at Crown, proceed to next item on list.
* Apply for jobs. At least a dozen. Have everyone who talks to you want to hire you, then make the decision to work at The Garage.
* Work.
* Never turn down an opportunity to love people. Take co-workers to coffee, call friends to arrange connection time, walk down the stairs nightly to tuck in Minda & Tofer…
* Work.
* Attend College/Career Retreat. Be refreshed. Fall in love with the Owens & the Hunters.
* Sing. Ok – good posture, right into the microphone, hands at sides, eyes open…
* Work.
* Paint room. “So, I’ve narrowed it down to these 50 colors, what do you think?”
Tofer
* Snowboard until April. Lose season pass so you have to go to the lodge each time & be issued one for the day.
* Snow blast Camp. Let Uber-Arm McLarge Huge win at arm wrestling & come home with one of the worst colds of your life - pass on to Mom.
* Become a drummer. “Hey, Tofer, can you play a bomp-bomp here?”
* Lead worship @ 30 hr. Famine. AKA sing-n-starve. Talk Minda into playing bass with me. “Krispy kremes, krispy kremes are what I long for. Krispy kremes are what I need…”
* Take the TSA…er..the ATS..er…whatever – that test for college.
* Teach myself Russian. Enjoy the looks on people’s faces when I tell them – in Russian – that I understand what they are saying.
* Get my permit. Just in time for the snow season. Ask, “Can I drive?” every time I get in the van. Be cute if it doesn’t work.
* Help little, old ladies have firewood for the winter.
* Counsel @ YAA for a week. With an additional 3 weeks of recovery.
* Play basketball. Every Thursday. All winter & spring.
* Begin insanely stupid cartoon blog. www.donkeypiratediaries.blogspot.com Don’t say I din’t warn you
* Become a music guru. Write, sing, play guitar, drum, play keys, dance, record, mix, drive my family insane replaying a loop repeatedly.
Minda
* Have Grama Judy teach me to knit. And someday to pearl.
* Babysit. “ Let’s pretend you respect me and do whatever I say! Ok?”
* Attend Archaeology Symposium. Be mistaken for an Egyptologist while explaining the value of scarabs to Papa.
* Play *gulp* bass *double gulp* in front of people.
* Raise $ for World Vision. Meet a bunch of cute, elderly people who sponsor me for the 30 hr. famine for $500.
* Sew doll clothes. Become extremely talented at rethreading the entire surger, and breaking needles.
* Work @ YAA. Wash 3000 dishes, yet somehow enjoy every minute!
* Get Karyn here and keep her as long as possible!!
* Take SAT. “Would you like a headache to go with those questions?”
* Shakespeare in the Park. “If you can look into the seeds of time & say which grain will grow, & which will not – Speak.” & tell me what play I saw.
* Begin wearing makeup. Hmmm…Wow…yah…wipe some of that blush off.
Deea
* Enter into final year of homeschooling. No more teacher, no more books. Especially no more calculus!
* Take Photos. Use all the newborn babies as your guinea pigs. All that sweetness captured on my hard drive!
* Mentor. You must be getting old if others are asking you life questions.
* Be available to your family. “You want to invite how many kids over for a sledding party?... o. k. … Let me make sure I have enough cocoa...”

2008 was a year of ‘good-byes’ for our family. Once again we dealt with the death of a dear friend who was our biggest emotional supporter and prayer warrior. A few months later our church made cutbacks. There is a hole in life when something is cut away & we have tremendously missed those we worked alongside. Hopes and dreams we held in a state of high hope have been deffered. Difficult as it has been, we are thankful that suffering is not the end. “I might weep, but still my faith rests in You.” “Weeping endures for the night, but joy comes with the morning!” A toast to 2009, “May it be The Morning!” Merry Christmas, & God bless us, every one!

Life Questioned ~ edited

It is our own heart, and not someone's opinion of us that forms our character

Frederich Von Shiller

Our church is making cutbacks. Money is a rudder. It isn't a storm, or the helm, or even the sail or the wind in the sail. It just makes all those things way more obvious when it is lacking. Sadly, it does turn the ship. It creates panic and unrest on board when you know that one little piece of wood has been cracked, damaged or removed and you no longer have the power to control the ships movements.

It has been an emotional week. Our dearest friends, and the associate pastors of our body (the Murrays) have been let-go. We are heartbroken, discouraged, at-a-loss, and reeling from the blow. I don't understand the decision, but what I do know is that these are some of the most God-honoring people I have ever had in my life. God is for them. He is completely able to turn for good something that doesn't look that way in the natural. I know they will let Him lead them into the next glory beyond what He began here, as they look to Him. My heart will be bowed low for a long, long, time ~ both in prayer for understanding & comfort, but also because that is the only place it can be right now... low, at the foot of the cross ~ in sackcloth and ashes.

Don and Jen, River and Mo, we love you way up to the moon and deeper than the ocean. We will miss having you by our side everyday. Thank you for being our friends. This is one of the most difficult things we've ever experienced.

(J felt that I shared a bit too much, so I have edited this post. Please forgive me if I helped to start a root of bitterness in any of you, and please, please know that wasn't my intention. I journal here. Sometimes I forget that others even read it, so I must be more careful in content. Thanks for understanding. ~D)

First Born

Before Cassia was born a prophesy went over her:

"Every child that opens the womb shall be called holy unto the Lord. And this child, in your womb, this child will be His anointed. This child will be a fulfilling of the scripture, ' and a child shall lead them.'

Anyone who knows Cassia wouldn't look at her and say, "Now there is a great leader!" But typical to the kingdom of Heaven the weak confound; the least are great. Cassia has a meek and gentle spirit that draws you to her, helps you let down your guard, and captures your affections. She has an uncanny ability to care deeply about everyone she comes in contact with. You are taken into her heart. Once there you will be ushered before the Throne of Grace by her, time & time again.

Being around her challenges you spiritually. She doesn't have to say a word. There is simply a quiet strength about her; an irrevocable presence that goes deep unto deep where Christ speaks life and blows away the dust of dormancy as Holy Spirit begins to move.
She has made us unbelievably proud as parents, but more importantly, I believe God looks upon her and smiles. He sings over her. A song that bestows anointing and grace with it's melody. And she sings back ~ in harmony.

She is leaving in 7 days to take her first road trip all by herself. She'll be gone 4-5 days, for more than 50 hours on the Greyhound, and be going through an interview and several other events at Crown College in Minnesota. Please pray for her (and for us as we watch her grow up)!

When in the Course...

The Declaration of Independence begins:
When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bonds which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

The ‘south’ of the civil war echoed these words when thy chose to secede from the United States. Though I have never uttered them aloud to anyone for the reason of secession, I have felt them inextricably when it comes to the raising of our children.

20 years ago, J and I disconnected from popular culture – which not only didn’t win us any popularity contests, it set us at odds with family, friends, and even our church. We “assumed among the powers of the earth, the separate & equal station to which the Laws of nature and of nature’s God” entitled us! Very few understood or chose to try to understand why we were walking a different path and we soon found ourselves on the front lines of a revolutionary war.

I don’t want this to be a repeat of past posts (you can look back through the archives if you want to see me standing on my soapbox proclaiming Deuteronomy 6 parenting), instead I want to cross something off my life list and tell someone ‘Thank you’.

I finished “Family Driven Faith” yesterday. It’s subtitled ‘Doing What it Takes to Raise Sons and Daughters Who Walk With God’. Dr. Voddie Bauchaum clearly and concisely communicated our 20 year heart’s cry for our family. I posted awhile back about the podcast we listened to as a family that had me in tears. There were tears again as I turned the pages filled with solid proof & validation of our heart’s leadings all these years. I wish I knew Voddie and Bridget personally. They are kindred spirits. Thank you, Dr. Baucham, for being faithful to proclaim this message.

As for my life list ~ I realized that this has really been a life message for us. It is a cause that I am passionate about and that I have a difficult time being silent over. I want to see God’s purposes fulfilled! I can cross it off my list!!

Things to Do / See While I Yet Have Breath In Me:

· Fall deeply, helplessly, and unconditionally in love with someone who returns the sentiments and marry him. X (11/26/1988)
· Be an amazing friend who has amazing friends.
· Teach someone to read. X (1991, 1994, 2000)
· Ride horses on the seashore.
· Give birth, breastfeed, and raise loving children. X (1989, 1991, 1993)
· Be someone others respect deeply but do not fear.
· Be rescued.
· Memorize a book of the Bible.
· Be hugged by my Dad for no apparent reason & hear him say, “I love you.” For the same reason. X (11/22/06 - he died later that week unexpectedly)
· Bathe in a claw foot tub with tons of bubbles. X (11/26/2000 Anacortes, WA)
· Learn to tell the truth, in love, tempered with grace.
· Take a vacation with no time limits and stop whenever and wherever I wish. Have picnics, explore, photograph everything of interest…
· Make my own jewelry.
· Work in a soup kitchen for a holiday.
· Talk in an foreign accent for an entire day, some place where no one knows me.
· Sit on a jury.
· Milk a goat.
· Meet at least 2 people I do not know, whom I admire deeply.
· Attend a Broadway Musical or a Ballet on Broadway.
· Swim with Dolphins.
· Ride a camel in Africa.
· Send a message in a bottle in the Atlantic Ocean.
· Pet a Harbor Seal Pup.
· Learn to speak a foreign language fluently.
· Learn Sign language well.
· Be covered in butterflies.
· Visit 5 of the 7 continents. (N. America, Asia...)
· Be someone’s mentor.
· Learn to really dance. All styles (except western).
· Write a novel and have it published.
· See the Smithsonian and the rest of DC.
· Watch a lunar eclipse. X (3/3/07; 2/20/08)
· Write my will.
· Experience weightlessness.
· Kayak with Killer Whales.
· Hold my grandchildren, and see them laugh.
· Walk through history in the original 13 colonies.
· See the Northern Lights.
· Ride in a hot air balloon.
· Design and grow my own secret garden.
· Watch a lightning storm at sea.
· Visit the birth places of my ancestors.
· Own one classic, classy evening dress.
· Volunteer at an AIDS clinic in Africa.
· Buy a home near a stream or pond with a big porch & have a “revolving door” for friends, family, and needy.
· Learn to sing so others at least don’t mind listening.
· Spend Christmas in the Alps in a chateau by a fire with the one I love and wrapped in Cashmere.
· Have our family portrait painted.
· Throw a huge party where everyone who has ever been dear to us is invited and attends.
· Watch the sun come up on the ocean embraced by someone who loves me.
· Tour countries by bicycle for a year.
· Become an Auntie X (8 / 10/ 2007!!! to Connor)
· Fly a plane.
· Take serious art classes.
· Be a “mama” to orphans.
· Go white water rafting.
· Be kissed so passionately I get dizzy.
· Have photos published.
· Experience a spa day ~ a total pamper and primp.
· See the Cirque de Soile`.
· Ride a motorcycle. X (beginning in 2002 - 2005, Honda Nighthawk 750)
· Make love in a sleeper car on a traveling train.
· See my children marry someone who loves unconditionally, passionately, and deeply and have the wedding they dream of.
· Help build a house.
· Become knowledgeable and passionate about a cause. X (Doing what t takes to raise children who walk with God fully~ realized 3-16-08)
· Live somewhere without TV / Internet / Telephone / Cell Phone for a year, where there is a tight community of people. (almost like early America)
· Photograph: A birth, a wedding X (10/3/03; 11/13/04; 5/5/05; 8/4/07;11/24/07 ), a funeral.
· Speak at a large conference.
· Wander through: sleepy New England villages; and the fallen leaves, flea markets, ancient ruins, coffee shops, sandy beaches, museums, gardens, vineyards and attics of the Grecian Isles, Scotland, Ireland, Giverny, Tuscany, Madeira, Maine, and Prince Edward Island.
· Give more support and encouragement than criticism and correction.
· Do one thing that scares me to death.
· Get organized.

A Rant & a Praise for Grace, Grace, Grace

The worldwide churches' model of youth ministry from the last 50 years or so doesn't flip my flapjacks. (Like that one babe?!) But that isn't simply what this post is about. I hope it is more about the grace of God in the life of this hard headed, freight train of a daughter of His.

I'm not normal. If you have read this blog very long, I'm not sayng anything new. Look back through the archives and you'll see it crop up. (*here, *here, *here, *here are some examples)

Before I married J, God got ahold of me hook, line and sinker. I had been a 'believer' but not a Christian until that point. I began to devour the Word. What spoke most to me were the verses where God revealed how to raise a family, what a Godly wife looked like, and what it meant to be His child in His family (that is pretty much the entire Bible... :o) ). Deuteronomy 6:7 became my mantra. J & I discussed it all. We would homeschool our kids. Raise them without TV and very few if any movies. We would teach them to love God and seek Him and listen to Him. Our kids wouldn't date. We would make sure they were socialized through hospitality in our own home, under our authority. Dreams formed into values and study of Word and resources formed foundations.

We were told we were overprotective, that our kind of kids were needed in the public school arena, that they were going to grow up ignorant and naive ~ Do you get the picture that 20 years ago these were not popular ways of thinking. They still aren't, but as our kids are older and are able to expound their own thoughts and values to others; they have taken on much of the "Burden of Proof". Who they are speaks for the fact that God's ways are perfect.

Every now and then we hear someone else's voice that supports us in our shaping and sharpening of the arrows in our quiver that they might hit the marks God shoots them toward. 16 years ago we got ahold of a tape series by a (then) little known pastor, named Gregg Harris. (He's the dad of Joshua Harris, and Alex & Brett Harris and others who are shaking the world) I walked away with a key phrase from this series; I want my kids to be the missionaries and not the mission field .

We began homeschooling and lapping up everything we could get our hands on that would help us to not just fill them with knowledge, but train them in the way they should go. The Vision Forum began sending us catalogs, and I shamelessly ordered their books and tape series through our local library. We were filled with vision and purpose!

7 years later (that would be 9 years ago for those of you who don't like to do the math!) Monte Swan came into my life. Not literally. Just his book. It gave raising a family beauty as well as purpose.

When the teenage years (5 years ago) began and it was time to decide what to do about youth group, our spirits were in turmoil. We wanted to support our church, our youth pastor, and our youth, but we couldn't reconcile what we were doing with what we had always taught our kids ~ with what our convictions were. So again we began to dig for God's Truth. We didn't want to say "No you can't" simply because our hearts were unsettled, we wanted to bring it back to the Gospel. We knew the Word said clearly - "Only take care, and keep your soul diligently, lest you forget the things that your eyes have seen, and lest they depart from your heart all the days of your life. Make them known to your children and your children’s children " (Deut. 4:9) "Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads." (Deut. 6:5-8) Simple as that. Was there a model out there? Something and someone we could point to that could back us up when we presented this highly unpopular belief to our circle of friends and family? Stats? Anything? What a joy the internet became. We had the world at our fingertips. :o) cliche' but true. I now have a favorites file entitled "Reimagining Family and Life" where I have bookmarked sites of people and organizations that point us ever onward in this journey being a Christ Centered family.

Again we found a book. Parenting with Kingdom Purpose both reiterrated what we had always held a conviction in and gave us new weapons to fight the battle ahead. We were refreshed in our zeal, steadfast in our purpose.

2 nights ago, J came home and had us all gather in the lvingroom to hear a podcast. This is nothing new, but J was impassioned by this speaker and we could tell the next 20 minutes were going to be important. Family Driven Faith is a new book on the old subject (in our house anyway) of shifting your paradigm of how you think family should be done; not going with the flow, not doing what everyone else is doing, or what is the easiest... but what God ordained from the beginning of time for our families to be. I was in tears by the end. My heart was just so full of the grace of God.
Thank you, Father for the fortiftude you placed in our hearts and continue to refortify. Thank you, for not allowing our shortcomings to derail Your divine purposes.

It isn't over yet.

Wake Up Call

I have made the statement:
"I love God. I want to follow Him, but right now I just feel, I don't know, indifferent."
I honestly believed it was ok to feel this way. That it was better than turning away from God completely or becoming a hypocrite and saying one thing while feeling another.
Last week on a drive along back roads with J we were listening to a podcast message by Matt Chandler. We listen to Matt often because he doesn't wear kid-gloves when he preaches, yet you walk away knowing the Truth of the gospel, and feel loved by God. Somewhere in his message Matt made the statement, "The opposite of Love isn't hate. The opposite of Love is indifference." I didn't hear the rest of the message. My heart stopped right there.
I began to hear those words every time I didn't want to read my Bible in the morning, in my dreams, and each time I felt empty or saddened by my current state of being.
I looked up 'indifference'.
Being indifferent would mean being dispassionate about the things that happen around you. Then you would enjoy the show without being involved.
Ouch!
Dispassionate, apathetic, mediocre, unconcerned, aloof, and detatched were mentioned for synanyms.
What a scary place to be. I feel like I have been hanging on by my toes at the edge of a precipice and was so aloof that I didn't even realize it, or care. Realizing it now brings tears. That I could grow so cold toward such warm and gracious love and mercy.
Time to die again.
the Crucifixtion of me.
I am crucified in Christ, therefore I no longer live. Jesus Christ, risen because He was without sin, now lives in me... Right?
Why can't I nail this to my heart? Imbed it? Allow it to take root and flourish?

Go FIG-ure!

We have friends. That is such a heart-fluttery feeling! I am constantly amazed that people love us enough to drive 8 hours to see us, but these ones drove 8 hours with 6 kids under the age of 7 to come see us! We were able to spend 4.5 days with "The Figs". Our house rang with laughter, squeals, and the trip-trap of little feet! What a joy this family is. They are raising their kids to love one another, love & honor God, respect authority, and live life fully and it radiates from these little ones.
God answered our prayer for snow so the kids were able to go sledding! We went for adventures in the woods, mid afternoon tramps to the fort and beyond, a FREEZING COLD hike to the lookout - always followed up by a warm fire and hot cocoa!
We had an opportunity to go out as couples while our kids watched theirs. We don't get to do that often and it was a sweet time of fellowship.
I am just so, so thankful for Godly, dear, deep, spirit-filled relationships that endure and grow.

Deficiency of Substitues

They will never be a perfect fit or as effective as the real thing.
Bronze is cheaper, expedient, & close, but it isn't gold. It can only ever be an alloy.

Shiny, and brilliant, yes, but tainted by mixture. Easier to hang onto, because it has no real value, no one will ever try to take it from you. It is safe.

Though, one morning, we will wake like Samson ~ trying to do what we have always been able to do, but now unable. The power is no longer there because we substituted the blessing; gave it away. Let it be removed while we slumbered in the lap of our 'bronze' idol. We settled for the mixture. Coating something in gold only gives the appearance power. The difference should be conspicuous. Having the purity of gold is costly and risky. Am I willing to take the risk?