"I love God. I want to follow Him, but right now I just feel, I don't know, indifferent."
I honestly believed it was ok to feel this way. That it was better than turning away from God completely or becoming a hypocrite and saying one thing while feeling another.
Last week on a drive along back roads with J we were listening to a podcast message by Matt Chandler.
We listen to Matt often because he doesn't wear kid-gloves when he preaches, yet you walk away knowing the Truth of the gospel, and feel loved by God. Somewhere in his message Matt made the statement, "The opposite of Love isn't hate. The opposite of Love is indifference." I didn't hear the rest of the message. My heart stopped right there.I began to hear those words every time I didn't want to read my Bible in the morning, in my dreams, and each time I felt empty or saddened by my current state of being.
I looked up 'indifference'.
Being indifferent would mean being dispassionate about the things that happen around you. Then you would enjoy the show without being involved.
Ouch!
Dispassionate, apathetic, mediocre, unconcerned, aloof, and detatched were mentioned for synanyms.
What a scary place to be. I feel like I have been hanging on by my toes at the edge of a precipice and was so aloof that I didn't even realize it, or care. Realizing it now brings tears. That I could grow so cold toward such warm and gracious love and mercy.
Time to die again.
the Crucifixtion of me.
I am crucified in Christ, therefore I no longer live. Jesus Christ, risen because He was without sin, now lives in me... Right?
Why can't I nail this to my heart? Imbed it? Allow it to take root and flourish?
2 comments:
I love you. And I love the pic of indifferent cat. God is going to bring you through this season. You CAN "trust His heart!"
He already is. "Knowing is 1/2 the battle!" Since my heart became aware of its state, and I've repented, life seems to be seeping back in.
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