Happy Papa's Day

the journey ends

Don't Look Now... {2}

How would I describe me?

Old and out of shape.

Kind, comfortable, & little.

Sassy, stubborn, wistful, & wishful.

Easy laugh-er.

 I see me in their eyes.  They don't describe me the way I describe myself.

 They say I'm "GAHgeous" & cute.  

Generous, caring, loyal, & hospitable.

They say I'm a dreamer.

Wise & stuffed with awesome.

Employee of the month, Mom, family oriented.

Jovial.

Chef & cuddler.

 I want to be seen as a woman who is full of grace, talented, and a person of peace.  I want others to be drawn to me ~ or see something in me that makes them look deeper & want to get to know me.

I wonder if they see a reflection of something larger than myself in me.  Do I sparkle?

Don't Look Now... {1}

The context of my life?  Home, family, relationship.  They are who I am.  They are the environment and the substance that bring cohesion and sense to life - that tell me who I am, why I am here, how to fully live.
Who am I?
*I am an introvert.  Deriver of energy from solitude.  It isn't shyness, nor is it vulnerability - I just like to be alone.  Family and relationship challenges me to expel energy - to let it overflow on them.
*I am an early riser.  Watcher of the pink light of dawn through the firs.  Relisher of the quiet stillness.  Delighter in the languid hours.
*I am a devoted becomer.  Dedicated to metamorphosis.  Committed to the process of growth - of becoming.
I am a :
~ seed planter
~ decipherer of words
~ believer
~ audience & confidant
~ chronicler of memories
~ pupil
~ list maker
~ note taker
~ patron of the green grocer
~ organic / local/ slow food advocate and devourer
~ red wine imbiber
~ master (rather, mistress) of a Pekingese
~ wifer-for-lifer
~ mommy
~ auntie
~ sister
~ friend
~ cook
~ servant
~ thought provoker
~ coffee connoisseur /snob
~ lover & fighter (protector of whom I love)
There is probably more.  In the past the list would have been much longer. Growing older has whittled away the requirements of me.  The emerging image from beneath the knife's blade is someone I am happy to be, though.
There are roles I wish I was cast for.  Ones that I still hope the whetted edge carves into me somehow.

What I can't say I am, that I so wish I could:
~ incessant world traveler
~ daughter
~ author of classics
~ head turner, *sigh*

Conner sings for his icecream

Conner sings for his icecream a video by efiw on Flickr.

I had been trying to get him to sing to me all weekend, so when he asked one night after dinner for ice cream, I told him there was ice cream for anyone who could sing me the Doxology. :)  Sneaky Auntie.  Mama backed me up though!!
I adore his little "Elmer Fudd" sound.  

Family Time

Our first Memorial Day celebration with family in 5 years.  

So good to be together again.

Carry me on my way... {5}

"Today, and often times, joy is ... lilacs in the rain. And I don’t think Jesus minds that. 

As long as I grab the joy and hold it for a while, sinking my face into the sweet fragrance of its blossoms, letting the juice of it run out the corners of my mouth, laughing all the while, the next time He sends some my way." ~Amy Sorrells

Once upon a time there was a girl in a calico dress, faded by years of washing, and drying in the sunshine.  She wasn't the first to wear it.  It had been handed down, and down again, and down again, until at last it had reached her.  She loved it.  The softness of the fabric, the tiny bit of lace at the sleeves and collar, the smocking around her chest.  She felt beautiful in it.  Her eyes didn't see the looks of the other little girls who wore dresses from stores that had vibrant colors and yards of lace.  Her ears didn't hear their scornful snickers as she passed them on her way home from school.  Or, at least, not until one especially wealthy little girl jumped in front of her and mocked her openly.  

Tears streamed down her cheeks as she ran home to an empty house.  Mama was at school.  Did the girls at Mama's school think horrible things about her too?  Why would anyone say such things?  Why would someone wish to cause her pain? 

Time passed and the girl grew to be a beauty, inside more than out.  Pain continued to be her companion, but it was a companion of strength not sorrow or saplessness.  Mama had told her, that day long ago, that great joy lurks on the underbelly of ache & so she had gone about, forever turning it over, finding the delight beneath. 

Today the calico is exceedingly faded.  Faded but loved all the more by her own little girls who will wash it and hang it to dry in the sunshine for their own small ones.

end note:
The little girl of old now walks in high heels with painted toenails, & believes strongly in 2nd hand shopping & hand-me-downs.  :) 

Carry me on my way... {4}

Home is a place not only of strong affections, but of entire unreserve; it is life's undress rehearsal, its backroom, its dressing room.  ~Harriet Beecher Stowe

Life took a drastic turn two weeks ago when Mama left this world.  I had prayed for her to go quickly and without pain when I made the decision to sedate her so she wouldn't get hurt trying to get up without help, but I wasn't prepared for her to go in a single day. 

We'd always been close.  Not that we hadn't both made mistakes, but we were not going to stay estranged because of them.  Nothing had been left unsaid. We had spent the months previous basking in eachother's company and becoming a part of eachother's lives more deeply even than before.  Still, I wish I would have taken one more moment to really tell her how much I love her.

J's parents took me into their home and cared for me sweetly while I prepared for Mama's home-going service, but nothing was right with J far away in Montana. He is my "home", and I was homesick.  

I was anxious to be back in "life as normal"; sleeping next to him, laughing at his silly jokes, knowing he was home by his song reaching me before my eyes saw him, cuddling on the couch after a long day...  

Now that I am here, I'm finding it hard to leave and go back to WA to finish up estate stuff.  I just want to remain.  

Maybe it's also knowing that Mama won't be there at the end this time.  It'll be my first journey without her hugs, without her smile, without her.

Carry me on my way... {3}

Born - to parents who had just adopted a son and were contemplating divorce. 10 months later they were; I looked just like my father...
18 months - Spinal Meningitis.  Not expected to live.  Proved them wrong.
2 yr - Car accident. 45 stitches across face. No scar.
8 yrs - first realization of how destitute we were and how cruel children can be. Begin journals and photographing life with Mama's camera.
12 yr - lie about a life.  wish it were truth.  Met Laura. One friend is worth more than a 1000 so-called's.
16 yr - met James in dance class. wrote all summer.
18 yr - married James, for love. Taught ballet, for love.

19, 20, 23 yr - Cassia, Christopher, Minda.  Motherhood is a grace and a glory.
32 yr - diagnosed with Lupus. no cure. Prayer & faith work miracles.
35 & 36 yr - Korea. Kindness & respect ~ received and given.
36 yr - Daddy dies unexpectedly.  So hard to not say 'good-bye'.
40 yr -  Mama dies. 4 months after cancer diagnosis. 'Good-bye' doesn't make it easier.