Thursday, June 02, 2011

Carry me on my way... {4}

Home is a place not only of strong affections, but of entire unreserve; it is life's undress rehearsal, its backroom, its dressing room.  ~Harriet Beecher Stowe

Life took a drastic turn two weeks ago when Mama left this world.  I had prayed for her to go quickly and without pain when I made the decision to sedate her so she wouldn't get hurt trying to get up without help, but I wasn't prepared for her to go in a single day. 

We'd always been close.  Not that we hadn't both made mistakes, but we were not going to stay estranged because of them.  Nothing had been left unsaid. We had spent the months previous basking in eachother's company and becoming a part of eachother's lives more deeply even than before.  Still, I wish I would have taken one more moment to really tell her how much I love her.

J's parents took me into their home and cared for me sweetly while I prepared for Mama's home-going service, but nothing was right with J far away in Montana. He is my "home", and I was homesick.  

I was anxious to be back in "life as normal"; sleeping next to him, laughing at his silly jokes, knowing he was home by his song reaching me before my eyes saw him, cuddling on the couch after a long day...  

Now that I am here, I'm finding it hard to leave and go back to WA to finish up estate stuff.  I just want to remain.  

Maybe it's also knowing that Mama won't be there at the end this time.  It'll be my first journey without her hugs, without her smile, without her.


Sabrina said...

Love you so much Deea. So sorry you have to go through this. Iknow it is not easy.

I love your picture of you and your mom at the end of this post. Glad you are blogging again I look often in hopes of finding a new post.

Deeapaulitan said...

I love you too, B. You've been where I am, so I know you realize some of my heart status. Jesus is so good about making grief a grace though. I'm leaning into Him.

I'm so thankful Mama insisted on getting photos before she passed. I had Minda come out and snap some of the 2 of us that night. I'll treasure them.

Molly said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom in March after a six week hospice stay - but a several year illness. It was very bittersweet - knowing she is in a far better place, with my dad, experiencing no pain or sadness - and yet we do miss her terribly here on earth.

Your incorporation of Unravelling in your blog is inspiring and I hope to do the same soon.

Deeapaulitan said...

Thank you Molly. I am missing her.
What was happening with her and where our lives were is what prompted me to sign up for Unraveling.

Hoping the sight of some new horizons emerge as I walk through it.