A Time to Let Go

(Card made by my friend Danni ~ she is so awesome!)There is a time and a season for everything under Heaven. This is a season of change for the Pauls. Change in job, location, and of seeing at least 2 of our 3 young adults off to college.
Last week was full of college apps, transcripts, references, and essays in the Paul household. Finding out that the deadline for applications to the college they wanted to apply to was 3 days away sent us into a scurry. Each of them needed 3 references, + 4 500 word essays (that's 2000 words each!) on different subjects!! Besides the fact that we had to order SAT scores to be sent and move money from their college funds into my bank account so I could pay the fees. In the end it all came together. God allowed all the people we needed references from to be home and available, for us to be able to file the app online so the deadline postmark was achieved and each of them were able to quickly write out 2000 words on the required subjects. Amazing!

Reading their essays, after they had been sent, brought tears. I love my kids. As parents, we aren't always sure we are doing a very good job; constantly questioning God's decision to allow us to be part of raising these little souls. We have had many that have told us we how wonderful they think our kids are, but when I read it their own words, words uncoerced and without knowing I would even read them, of how they feel we did, I was humbled. An odd sense of wonder filled me. Wonder at all the struggles, discipline, the talks, frustrations, & hard decisions being worth the cost because of the joy. I have a little more experiential knowledge of how Jesus felt in enduring the cross for the joy set before Him.

I asked their permission to post them here. It's more for me. This is our family blog where I put memories and thoughts, struggles and triumphs. This, to me, was a triumph. I want it preserved - because something tells me there are more struggles ahead. (2 Peter 1:15, Heb. 10:32-38)
I am pasting them here as they wrote them - no corrections...

Tofer's Essays - in snippets:

I have grown up in a Christian home (both parents being Christians). My relationship with my parents is more than a lot of guys my age have. My dad & I are a team when we are together. Though our wills clash and we butt heads sometimes, I never doubt his love for me. My mom is an amazing woman of God, & I know I often take her for granted. She is there for me when I am down, always, and expects nothing in return for the constant outpouring into my life.
For the most part I am submissive to authority and function well under leadership. I believe God has placed authority in everyone’s life to keep order, structure, & discipline in community. Without it the community is in the highest danger of failure and doomed to chaos. A family is not complete without a father and mother. The Father should lead and love his household according to Christ’s standards. The mother should lead the family in unity with and in submission to the father. Lastly, the children should come under the authority that God has placed in their lives. The past 2 years have been a trial and a joy as my dad took the role of Worship Pastor here in Bozeman. I never expected what God had in store for me or my family when He brought us here. God showed me through my dad and other men of God that pride, jealousy, bitterness, and anger were in my life just beneath the surface. Those things were brought into the light and dealt with. I let a lot of things go, and am learning to not hold onto wrongs done to me and to lay down my pride & get comfortable with confessing sins and asking for forgiveness.
As a family we take a Sabbath. It is very important to us to let God recreate His life within us as we rest in Him, #1 because He commands it and #2 because it is a necessity.
I write a lot of music. My dad and my sister join me every once in awhile to write a verse or a chorus with me. Music has always been a part of my family.
I say this, not out of pride but, because it is the truth - as a family we pour our time and energy into the church.
I have 2 sisters, one older, one younger. They are a joy to me and I wouldn’t trade them for the world.
God is my everything. I couldn’t live without Him. I have a passion to see those who don’t know Him come to the realization that they need a savior. They are blind to who He is and what He has done. I want to help them see. With that said, I want my life to be that of a missionary! My commitment to Him is full and always will be, by His grace.
Grace is what I am most thankful for. I am just beginning to grip the value and necessity of it.
As for my history with drugs, alcohol, tobacco, and pornography, I don’t really have one. I’ve never craved sin. I have craved adventure, adrenaline, and attention. However, the more I continue to know God, the easier it is to let go of earthly ‘feel goods’ & set my desires on Christ alone. I’m done testing out sin for myself, heeding the warnings of The Word and other in my life.
As with any ‘walk’ of forward, ongoing motion I pray that my spiritual walk with God will always be just that. On May 24th, 2000 I received Christ into my heart, though I had asked Him to save me from Hell when I was 3 years old, I had suddenly come to the realization of who Christ is and what He did for me (though, I still don’t fully understand it). I know, beyond a shadow of doubt that I am a Christian. A sinner who was saved by grace, through the cross of Jesus Christ, in pursuit of glorifying my Lord. (Which includes bringing others to a saving knowledge of Him, listening and following His calling on my life, &, in that, being a positive example for others to follow.) Because I professed with my mouth that Jesus is Lord of my life, & I believe in my heart that He is risen from the dead after taking the sins of the world upon Himself and conquering them through the obedience of death, I know that I am a Christian.
The Word of God is my light and my way, my guide for (I wish I could name them) all my decisions. It’s a comfort & a challenge, an inspiration & a joy, it’s the only Truth in which I place my trust, it’s firm & never fails to keep me on the right path!
My prayer life needs improvement, and always will, but I am learning to live my life as a constant prayer unto God. Thinking of Him more often, consulting Him for everyday wisdom, learning His will, and walking in accuracy and alignment with His plan for my life. I’m not ashamed of prayer. In a large group I can be bold and pray out and feel comfortable, but I enjoy seeking the Lord in my room with the door shut as well. I love talking to God, knowing He is right there with me.

Growing up, like most kids, I dreamed big. NBA, NFL, CIA or FBI were on my list! I began to let go of those dreams as I got older and realized that what I viewed as successful and important wasn’t God’s view of those things. When I first read the scripture, “Go into all the world and make disciples of all nations”, I started to get excited and a dream started to form in my heart of a life of adventure in God’s plan.
As I got older, the kindling of the desire to be on the mission field grew in intensity through studying Christ’s life here on earth. I began to see that people were His mission in life. He would always stop to talk, heal, preach, & encourage; sharing the love of their Maker with them.


Cassia's Essays - in snippets:

Both of my parents gave their hearts to God long before I was born and, now 18 years later, they are more His than ever. They’ve had heated disagreements in the past but always sought reconciliation. Forgiving, forgetting and moving on afresh. Mom and Dad have always seen parenthood as season of fashioning arrows who, when their shot out, hit the mark. They made a decision even before they had kids to homeschool. And as of this May my Mom will have taken all three of us through our senior year in Highschool. My dad has worked long weeks for as long as I can remember so that my mom can be home, but takes his responsibility of Father and not just provider seriously. He’s constantly speaking truth and love into our lives.

Both of my parents have never been shy to discipline us when they’ve seen a need for it. We grew up being taught that honoring and respecting the authority figures in our lives was indispensable and didn’t enjoy the consequences when we chose to disregard this. I’ve always appreciated the people who have held positions of authority within my life , and have been blessed that the said men and women have really sought to love me and been individuals of integrity.

In our family we often do devotions of our own throughout the week but like to gather together for them as well. We also recognize a Sabbath every week. On these days we make a point to be alone with God and each other, taking a brake from work and allowing God to recreate us and breath on our relationships with eachother. It’s been a time to being still as well as a time to celebrate who He is and what He’s done/ is doing. We definitely haven’t always been the perfect family or example but God has continually been alive and at work in our home, and each year finds us closer to God and each other.

I became a PK just before turning 17 and have grown up within the church. I love the body Christ and am so thankful to have had that privilege. I wish there was a lot less confusing religion with the Gospel however. A lot fewer facades and a lot more vulnerability between each other. Something that God’s been teaching me is that the more acquainted and accepting we become with ourselves the better were able to know Him and be used by Him. We should know who we are without Christ and who we are as redeemed sons and daughters of God. Familiar and at peace with our strengths and weaknesses. Knowing and rejoicing in the promise God made when He told Paul : “My grace is sufficient for you: for My strength is made perfect in weakness.”

I’m told by my parents that Jesus came to live in me when I was about 3, following a brief question and answer exchange around our dinner table :

[from my highchair] “How does Jesus come into our hearts?”

Momma: “By us asking Him to. And, (with a comforting smile) you will when your ready.”

Wherein, hardly missing a beat, I bowed my head and proceeded to tell Jesus I loved Him, asking him to “please, come into my heart”.

As the years progressed and I became better aware of what that petition entailed, I never regretted making it. I became more and more fascinated with Jesus. The things he taught and the life He lived. Horrified at the death we were guilty of helping Him suffer. Yet in spite of this I subconsciously entertained the belief that salvation was something to be earned. The result was a very religious, self righteous young lady. All this time however, I hadn’t been able to grasp the truth that God really desires to be in relationship with His children.

During my 13th summer I attended camp with my youth group and all the seeds that my parents had been sowing in my heart concerning the relationship factor of walking with Jesus sprang up. By the time I returned He wasn’t just my Lord, He was fastly becoming my best friend.

There’s definitely something to be said for not simply knowing God in your head but also in your heart. You can only love someone so much when your not in relationship with them and the love that was ignited in my heart towards God, through our new found friendship, was deep and transforming.

I wish I could say that from that time forward I ceased to sin or obsess about being the perfect Christian, but I can’t.The growth I’ve experienced since then, however, has been tremendous.Slowly but surely God began the process of uprooting all my convenient deceptions, convicting my heart about the things in my life that were pulling at our relationship, and directing my focus off of me onto Him. Truth has been setting me free.

As far as continuing to cultivate my heart goes,it’s been amazing actually experiencing and realizing that the Bible is alive and life giving…I need it. I suffer when I’m not feeding it to my heart and allowing it to renew my mind.
Just as imperative for me is prayer. When I’m not consistently seeking God through prayer my relationship with Him becomes handicapped and my heart grows less soft. Prayer also helps me put things in back in perspective and see the bigger picture.

I’m still a work in progress and always will be, but my heart is hopelessly lost to my King and I am thoroughly enjoying the adventure of being His daughter.

In the Land of Flowers

Minda came home from an afternoon with Molly awhile back with the cutest, little, wired doll. She had embroidery floss hair, a silk flower petal skirt, and a beaded head. She was all of 3 inches tall and Minda had drawn on the sweetest violet eyes and quirky smile. All I could think about was how cute these would be as fairies flying over my sink while I did dishes. :o)

It has been a long time since I sat down to do any kind of craft other than making cards for J., but Minda was sure she could recreate her tiny friend, so off to Micheal's (craft store) we went armed with coupons! The only thing we couldn't find were wings. I'll be brainstorming as to how we can make some but below are the results of a very fun filled afternoon with my "little" girl. The process is simple. You need covered wire used in making flower arrangements. We wanted hemp colored, but could only find green. Wooden beads for the heads, silk flower petals for the skirts and various colors of Floss for the hair and clothes. We used Tacky glue to attach the hair. You'll also need wire cutters to trim lengths.Simply fold a 6.5" length of wire in half and slip it through the bead. We added antenae, but you don't have to for dollies. Take a 4" length and wrap it around the 'body' where you want the arms to be. Fold each end of the wire up and in, just a bit, for her hands. Then wrap arms, shoulders, & chest with whatever color of floss you want for a shirt. We used 3 flower petal layers for skirts, but you can use whaterver you want. The one Minda brought home from Molly's only had one layer and was very cute still. Fold the ends of the bottom wires up and in just a bit for her feet. Pull out lengths of floss in the color you would like to use for hair, to the length you would like it to be and then loop it back and forth until you have enough to give her a full head of hair. I found 10 loops to be perfect.Cover the area of the bead where you want the hair to be with the tacky glue and lay the loops on it evenly, with each strand touching the glue. We used scissors to snip the loops and even the ends. Then we used colored pencils to draw faces. Minda gave her girls' antenae dye jobs with Sharpies. Mine remained Au Naturale. :o) Aren't they adorable? Their faces are so full of personality we had to name them. Minda's are Tibs (with the electric blue bobbed hair), Topsy (with the lime green hair) and Tabitha (with the royal purple locks). Mine are Pippa (with the pink braids), Piper (with the orange pigtails), and Penelope (with the lavendar dreadies in a braid down her back).

(We added 5 more today! Trixie on the far left is sporting glasses and a flower parasol! Tam is next to her with the emerald green hair and crown. They are Minda's - continuing with her "T" theme. The tall blonde in the middle is Portia, then the raven haired beauty with the starry violet eyes is Persephone, & the one with the bright red pigtails behind her is Poppy. )

J. was surprised I was condoning fairy making. When the kids were little we were very strict about watching, reading, listening to, playing with and creating things that were real and godly. No magic, no sprites or pixies, no pokemon, no dragons... We wanted them to grasp that those were the world's explainations for God's creations because, as humans, we can't understand how God can create something from nothing. For some reason most people would rather believe in tiny little magical beings or big bad dragons than in angels, demons, God, and the devil. So as toddlers and young children we crafted sheep, and barnyards. We made homes for mice families out in the fields. There were elaboarte bird houses and starfish we painted white and added glitter to and hung on walls. We collected feathers and rocks and leaves and pieces of bark; looking for the minute amidst the big picture of woods, and farmland. Still "magical" without taking away from God's wonder. Now they are adults. Now they know the truth, and making tiny people who are nothing but our imaginations creation and have no powers & are inanimate is fun not damaging. I still love to collect flowers and press them and bits of robin eggs and seed pods to clutter my window sill, but now those will have these tiny friends among them made of wire and thread!

A List

We spent a wonderfully refreshing evening last night with Ryan and Andrea Ward and their sweet kiddos, Grace and Caleb. If any of you grew up in Manhattan or have attended Montana Bible College, you probably know them. What a great family. Filled with God to the brim and overflowing.

Andrea made us pizza and Gracie and Caleb couldn't wait to get to the ice cream they made. J made a big hit with the kids, per usual. He made pineapple talk (which Grace giggled about but promptly informed us that pineapples don't talk). Later he asked if she ate ice cream on her pizza or pizza on her ice cream - - in general he was just a big kid; hence the complete adoration of the lollipop league.

Late in the evening we talked about books that have spoken to us recently and ones that helped us as we were raising a family.

It isn't the first time in the past couple months that I have had this conversation with someone. We have several new, or soon-to-be, parents as friends and it blesses me that people turn to us for answers. We haven't really done anything extraordinary - it's just that intentionality goes a long way when you couple it with the convictions of God in your own hearts as parents. We read and listened to a lot because their is something about becoming a parent that causes you to feel lost (or at least 'at a loss'). Good place to be. Humble, needy, scared, and directionless are all postures that God can use and infuse with His glory.

Here's a list of books we've read, loved, reread, tried to implement, cried over, repented because of, etc... etc... etc...
Family life and parenting in general:
The Family - JR Miller
Ministry of Motherhood &
Mission of Motherhood - both by Sally Clarskson
For the Families Sake &
When Children Love to Learn- Susan Schaeffer Macaulay
Romancing Your Child's Heart - Monte Swan
Family Driven Faith - Voddie Bauchaum
Parenting with Kingdom Purpose - Hemphill & Ross
My one caution is that several of these books lean heavily toward the 'works' side of things. Be careful as you read them to remember that Christ died to allow the Holy Spirit to come and empower you to do all things through Christ. Your lives should be filled with the Holy Spirit and grace so that the work is a joy and an outflow of Who is alive inside of you.

Raising Sons:
Future Men - Douglas Wilson
Thoughts for Young Men - RC Ryle
Raising a Modern Day Knight - Robert Lewis


Raising Daughters:
Beautiful Girlhood - Mable Hale (updated version by Karen Andreola) or online here
To the Harmonious Development of Christian Character - Newcomb
Raising Maidens of Virtue - Stacy Macdonald

There are others, of course, but these are the ones that I have purposed to buy for my own children to read for their development as parents when the time comes. Some of them are for when your children are small, some for when they begin to grow into adults, but if you can read them BEFORE you get to the stage they are really needed, the stages will be in a truer perspective as they come. I read several of these while I was pregnant with Cassia, and have gone back to them continually.

If you are planning on homeschooling:
Seasons of Life &
Practical Homeschooling - Gregg Harris
Anything and Everything by the Vision Forum

Life Questioned ~ edited

It is our own heart, and not someone's opinion of us that forms our character

Frederich Von Shiller

Our church is making cutbacks. Money is a rudder. It isn't a storm, or the helm, or even the sail or the wind in the sail. It just makes all those things way more obvious when it is lacking. Sadly, it does turn the ship. It creates panic and unrest on board when you know that one little piece of wood has been cracked, damaged or removed and you no longer have the power to control the ships movements.

It has been an emotional week. Our dearest friends, and the associate pastors of our body (the Murrays) have been let-go. We are heartbroken, discouraged, at-a-loss, and reeling from the blow. I don't understand the decision, but what I do know is that these are some of the most God-honoring people I have ever had in my life. God is for them. He is completely able to turn for good something that doesn't look that way in the natural. I know they will let Him lead them into the next glory beyond what He began here, as they look to Him. My heart will be bowed low for a long, long, time ~ both in prayer for understanding & comfort, but also because that is the only place it can be right now... low, at the foot of the cross ~ in sackcloth and ashes.

Don and Jen, River and Mo, we love you way up to the moon and deeper than the ocean. We will miss having you by our side everyday. Thank you for being our friends. This is one of the most difficult things we've ever experienced.

(J felt that I shared a bit too much, so I have edited this post. Please forgive me if I helped to start a root of bitterness in any of you, and please, please know that wasn't my intention. I journal here. Sometimes I forget that others even read it, so I must be more careful in content. Thanks for understanding. ~D)

Success!

We're Home!! What an adventure. I feel like I conquered the world and all I did was drive to Minnesota and back! Cassia had a great visit. She made friends, fell in love with the college, their faculty and staff, got a taste of late nights and early mornings several days in a row, and got a nifty, purple T-shirt! (he he!) Peter told me before we left to keep my hands at 10 & 2... How did I do Peter? I won't be anxious to get back in the car again anytime soon. Just thinking about it makes my butt ache.

Our special Google map blown up to 350% so you can see "St. Boni" (as the locals say). Google gave us wrong directions, but we made it anyway thanks to the grace of God! It's a beautiful place, although most of our time there was spent watching the unseasonal blizzard. Winds were outrageous!

One of the many long stretches of I-94 east... at least it was a beautiful morning! It reminded us of eastern Washington. We felt like we were driving to Tri-Cities or Odessa. It made Cassia miss 'home'. I can't say that I will ever miss coulees, scrub land, tumbleweeds, or sagebrush, though I do miss the heat sometimes.

This is Tonya. She is from a small town in WY and wants to go into Crown's nursing program. She and Cassia became good friends while they were there. She is one of several people that we are now missing. One thing about going into an environment where everyone is there for a similar purpose, and have similar goals, dreams, and hearts is that you connect quickly and feel their absence acutely when you are separated.

Tof blessed us with some Starbucks money. However, finding a Starbucks in eastern Montana, North Dakota, or small town Minnesota is a needle in a haystack exercise. My nose, however, is a finely tuned Starbucks locator. We found one on the way home hiding out in Bismark. Do we look happy? Coffee = Happy, happy, happy!

Thank you, again, to all of you who were praying for us continually. Cassia's interview went well, she doesn't think the essay went great, & the initiatives were challenging. The roads were good, and the car did fantastic. I wish you were all here so we could tell you about it in person. God did some amazing things and we could not feel more blessed or secure in the knowledge of His love toward us.

Please pray for the scholarships & grants that Cassia will be finding out about in the upcoming weeks. If she is supposed to be at Crown, it will have to be paid for through God's provision. I'm so excited about her future.

Frogs and More

We are in the middle of endless winter. We're experiencing barefoot & frolic depravation. Last winter was our first in Bozeman and God must have let us just have a 'sip' ~ Sorta work us in, easy like. This year its' been like drinking from a firehose. It has literally been 8 months of winter. We've had non-stop snow since the end of Sept. Great for the skiiers, not so great for those of us with Spring in our hearts.

We've been hankerin' for Summer - campfire grub, Flip flops, tank tops, Fresh fruits, vegies, grilled fish.

Family night this week I decided to cook a childhood favorite of mine. Grampa used to make this in the big dutchovens when we'd go camping. He called it Frogmore Stew - cause it had Frogs and More in it! It's simple and fun.

Throw chunks of potato, corn cobs, crab, shrimp, frog legs, or whatever into a pot with some olive oil and water. Season to taste with whatever you want and boil it until tender. Then drain it and dump it onto newpaper in the middle of the table. (I put a garbage bag under it so it wouldn't damage the table, but when you are camping it doesn't matter!)

Give everyone a ramikin of garlic butter, a big napkin and long forks and have at it!

You'll be surprised at how quickly it is gone!

Minda beat us all in corn cobs ~ Her place looked somewhat like a graveyard.

What I really love about this dish is the clean up! When you are finished you just roll up all the newsprint. I tossed the cobs out for the squirrels, the newspaper went in the recycling, and that left me 5 forks and 5 glasses to wash!

It reminds me of Fondue in some ways. You all sit around a central 'pot' and laugh, chatter, and eat, getting your forks tangled up, chiding the ones who are hogging all the shrimp... Great family fun!

UPDATE on Cassia's Trip

I'm driving. I'm nervous. The farthest I've ever driven is about 5 hours from Portland to Moses Lake by myself. Portland I knew my way to and around... Minnesota I've never even seen or set foot in!

But this means Cassia isn't going alone, and it will be only 30 hours of driving instead of 50 hours on a Greyhound. :o)

J is calling us Thelma and Louise - let's hope not!

We are going to need all your prayers ~ during the preparations, during the drive, during the Campus Preview, for the fam. staying behind, for the vehicle, and anything else you can think of to cover!

God is well able, I know. Just trying to get as many people petioning Him on our behalf as possible!

Thanks everyone!

First Born

Before Cassia was born a prophesy went over her:

"Every child that opens the womb shall be called holy unto the Lord. And this child, in your womb, this child will be His anointed. This child will be a fulfilling of the scripture, ' and a child shall lead them.'

Anyone who knows Cassia wouldn't look at her and say, "Now there is a great leader!" But typical to the kingdom of Heaven the weak confound; the least are great. Cassia has a meek and gentle spirit that draws you to her, helps you let down your guard, and captures your affections. She has an uncanny ability to care deeply about everyone she comes in contact with. You are taken into her heart. Once there you will be ushered before the Throne of Grace by her, time & time again.

Being around her challenges you spiritually. She doesn't have to say a word. There is simply a quiet strength about her; an irrevocable presence that goes deep unto deep where Christ speaks life and blows away the dust of dormancy as Holy Spirit begins to move.
She has made us unbelievably proud as parents, but more importantly, I believe God looks upon her and smiles. He sings over her. A song that bestows anointing and grace with it's melody. And she sings back ~ in harmony.

She is leaving in 7 days to take her first road trip all by herself. She'll be gone 4-5 days, for more than 50 hours on the Greyhound, and be going through an interview and several other events at Crown College in Minnesota. Please pray for her (and for us as we watch her grow up)!

When in the Course...

The Declaration of Independence begins:
When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bonds which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

The ‘south’ of the civil war echoed these words when thy chose to secede from the United States. Though I have never uttered them aloud to anyone for the reason of secession, I have felt them inextricably when it comes to the raising of our children.

20 years ago, J and I disconnected from popular culture – which not only didn’t win us any popularity contests, it set us at odds with family, friends, and even our church. We “assumed among the powers of the earth, the separate & equal station to which the Laws of nature and of nature’s God” entitled us! Very few understood or chose to try to understand why we were walking a different path and we soon found ourselves on the front lines of a revolutionary war.

I don’t want this to be a repeat of past posts (you can look back through the archives if you want to see me standing on my soapbox proclaiming Deuteronomy 6 parenting), instead I want to cross something off my life list and tell someone ‘Thank you’.

I finished “Family Driven Faith” yesterday. It’s subtitled ‘Doing What it Takes to Raise Sons and Daughters Who Walk With God’. Dr. Voddie Bauchaum clearly and concisely communicated our 20 year heart’s cry for our family. I posted awhile back about the podcast we listened to as a family that had me in tears. There were tears again as I turned the pages filled with solid proof & validation of our heart’s leadings all these years. I wish I knew Voddie and Bridget personally. They are kindred spirits. Thank you, Dr. Baucham, for being faithful to proclaim this message.

As for my life list ~ I realized that this has really been a life message for us. It is a cause that I am passionate about and that I have a difficult time being silent over. I want to see God’s purposes fulfilled! I can cross it off my list!!

Things to Do / See While I Yet Have Breath In Me:

· Fall deeply, helplessly, and unconditionally in love with someone who returns the sentiments and marry him. X (11/26/1988)
· Be an amazing friend who has amazing friends.
· Teach someone to read. X (1991, 1994, 2000)
· Ride horses on the seashore.
· Give birth, breastfeed, and raise loving children. X (1989, 1991, 1993)
· Be someone others respect deeply but do not fear.
· Be rescued.
· Memorize a book of the Bible.
· Be hugged by my Dad for no apparent reason & hear him say, “I love you.” For the same reason. X (11/22/06 - he died later that week unexpectedly)
· Bathe in a claw foot tub with tons of bubbles. X (11/26/2000 Anacortes, WA)
· Learn to tell the truth, in love, tempered with grace.
· Take a vacation with no time limits and stop whenever and wherever I wish. Have picnics, explore, photograph everything of interest…
· Make my own jewelry.
· Work in a soup kitchen for a holiday.
· Talk in an foreign accent for an entire day, some place where no one knows me.
· Sit on a jury.
· Milk a goat.
· Meet at least 2 people I do not know, whom I admire deeply.
· Attend a Broadway Musical or a Ballet on Broadway.
· Swim with Dolphins.
· Ride a camel in Africa.
· Send a message in a bottle in the Atlantic Ocean.
· Pet a Harbor Seal Pup.
· Learn to speak a foreign language fluently.
· Learn Sign language well.
· Be covered in butterflies.
· Visit 5 of the 7 continents. (N. America, Asia...)
· Be someone’s mentor.
· Learn to really dance. All styles (except western).
· Write a novel and have it published.
· See the Smithsonian and the rest of DC.
· Watch a lunar eclipse. X (3/3/07; 2/20/08)
· Write my will.
· Experience weightlessness.
· Kayak with Killer Whales.
· Hold my grandchildren, and see them laugh.
· Walk through history in the original 13 colonies.
· See the Northern Lights.
· Ride in a hot air balloon.
· Design and grow my own secret garden.
· Watch a lightning storm at sea.
· Visit the birth places of my ancestors.
· Own one classic, classy evening dress.
· Volunteer at an AIDS clinic in Africa.
· Buy a home near a stream or pond with a big porch & have a “revolving door” for friends, family, and needy.
· Learn to sing so others at least don’t mind listening.
· Spend Christmas in the Alps in a chateau by a fire with the one I love and wrapped in Cashmere.
· Have our family portrait painted.
· Throw a huge party where everyone who has ever been dear to us is invited and attends.
· Watch the sun come up on the ocean embraced by someone who loves me.
· Tour countries by bicycle for a year.
· Become an Auntie X (8 / 10/ 2007!!! to Connor)
· Fly a plane.
· Take serious art classes.
· Be a “mama” to orphans.
· Go white water rafting.
· Be kissed so passionately I get dizzy.
· Have photos published.
· Experience a spa day ~ a total pamper and primp.
· See the Cirque de Soile`.
· Ride a motorcycle. X (beginning in 2002 - 2005, Honda Nighthawk 750)
· Make love in a sleeper car on a traveling train.
· See my children marry someone who loves unconditionally, passionately, and deeply and have the wedding they dream of.
· Help build a house.
· Become knowledgeable and passionate about a cause. X (Doing what t takes to raise children who walk with God fully~ realized 3-16-08)
· Live somewhere without TV / Internet / Telephone / Cell Phone for a year, where there is a tight community of people. (almost like early America)
· Photograph: A birth, a wedding X (10/3/03; 11/13/04; 5/5/05; 8/4/07;11/24/07 ), a funeral.
· Speak at a large conference.
· Wander through: sleepy New England villages; and the fallen leaves, flea markets, ancient ruins, coffee shops, sandy beaches, museums, gardens, vineyards and attics of the Grecian Isles, Scotland, Ireland, Giverny, Tuscany, Madeira, Maine, and Prince Edward Island.
· Give more support and encouragement than criticism and correction.
· Do one thing that scares me to death.
· Get organized.

A Rant & a Praise for Grace, Grace, Grace

The worldwide churches' model of youth ministry from the last 50 years or so doesn't flip my flapjacks. (Like that one babe?!) But that isn't simply what this post is about. I hope it is more about the grace of God in the life of this hard headed, freight train of a daughter of His.

I'm not normal. If you have read this blog very long, I'm not sayng anything new. Look back through the archives and you'll see it crop up. (*here, *here, *here, *here are some examples)

Before I married J, God got ahold of me hook, line and sinker. I had been a 'believer' but not a Christian until that point. I began to devour the Word. What spoke most to me were the verses where God revealed how to raise a family, what a Godly wife looked like, and what it meant to be His child in His family (that is pretty much the entire Bible... :o) ). Deuteronomy 6:7 became my mantra. J & I discussed it all. We would homeschool our kids. Raise them without TV and very few if any movies. We would teach them to love God and seek Him and listen to Him. Our kids wouldn't date. We would make sure they were socialized through hospitality in our own home, under our authority. Dreams formed into values and study of Word and resources formed foundations.

We were told we were overprotective, that our kind of kids were needed in the public school arena, that they were going to grow up ignorant and naive ~ Do you get the picture that 20 years ago these were not popular ways of thinking. They still aren't, but as our kids are older and are able to expound their own thoughts and values to others; they have taken on much of the "Burden of Proof". Who they are speaks for the fact that God's ways are perfect.

Every now and then we hear someone else's voice that supports us in our shaping and sharpening of the arrows in our quiver that they might hit the marks God shoots them toward. 16 years ago we got ahold of a tape series by a (then) little known pastor, named Gregg Harris. (He's the dad of Joshua Harris, and Alex & Brett Harris and others who are shaking the world) I walked away with a key phrase from this series; I want my kids to be the missionaries and not the mission field .

We began homeschooling and lapping up everything we could get our hands on that would help us to not just fill them with knowledge, but train them in the way they should go. The Vision Forum began sending us catalogs, and I shamelessly ordered their books and tape series through our local library. We were filled with vision and purpose!

7 years later (that would be 9 years ago for those of you who don't like to do the math!) Monte Swan came into my life. Not literally. Just his book. It gave raising a family beauty as well as purpose.

When the teenage years (5 years ago) began and it was time to decide what to do about youth group, our spirits were in turmoil. We wanted to support our church, our youth pastor, and our youth, but we couldn't reconcile what we were doing with what we had always taught our kids ~ with what our convictions were. So again we began to dig for God's Truth. We didn't want to say "No you can't" simply because our hearts were unsettled, we wanted to bring it back to the Gospel. We knew the Word said clearly - "Only take care, and keep your soul diligently, lest you forget the things that your eyes have seen, and lest they depart from your heart all the days of your life. Make them known to your children and your children’s children " (Deut. 4:9) "Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads." (Deut. 6:5-8) Simple as that. Was there a model out there? Something and someone we could point to that could back us up when we presented this highly unpopular belief to our circle of friends and family? Stats? Anything? What a joy the internet became. We had the world at our fingertips. :o) cliche' but true. I now have a favorites file entitled "Reimagining Family and Life" where I have bookmarked sites of people and organizations that point us ever onward in this journey being a Christ Centered family.

Again we found a book. Parenting with Kingdom Purpose both reiterrated what we had always held a conviction in and gave us new weapons to fight the battle ahead. We were refreshed in our zeal, steadfast in our purpose.

2 nights ago, J came home and had us all gather in the lvingroom to hear a podcast. This is nothing new, but J was impassioned by this speaker and we could tell the next 20 minutes were going to be important. Family Driven Faith is a new book on the old subject (in our house anyway) of shifting your paradigm of how you think family should be done; not going with the flow, not doing what everyone else is doing, or what is the easiest... but what God ordained from the beginning of time for our families to be. I was in tears by the end. My heart was just so full of the grace of God.
Thank you, Father for the fortiftude you placed in our hearts and continue to refortify. Thank you, for not allowing our shortcomings to derail Your divine purposes.

It isn't over yet.

Of Daughters and Sisters

Minda. I have always loved that name. It means "gentle one" which doesn't exactly fit our girl. She is gentle, but she is more merriment, and chatter. I sometimes wonder what the feminine form of Isaac (laughter) is. Naming her "Laughter" would have pegged her. Children flock to both of my girls, but for different reasons. Cassia is beautiful and sweet. She talks to the little ones quietly and they are at ease and comfortable with her. Minda plays games, tickles them, talks in silly voices, and laughter is constant. Both have pint sized fan clubs. Anything under 3 feet seem to adore them! As a mom, I can't explain the pride I have in these 2 daughters of mine.
One of the greatest blessings is their love for eachother. They are dearest friends as well as sisters. Cassia took Minda out for a birthday shoot. Minda had just bought a vintage dress for $5 at a sale and was twirling and flitting. (who says 14 can't be fanciful?) They stayed the night with eachother, bought sweets for eachother, and were given up to jollification for the better portion of the evening.
God has been so gracious and merciful to us as parents. In spite of all our faults, shortcomings, and sins, He has kept them at the center of His palm and He has their hearts. Thank you, Jesus!

Photos below

Shhhweeeeeeeeeet 16!

I love this man. Man. Seems an odd term to use on one's own progeny, but that is the only way to describe him now.

He watches out for us when his dad is gone, he fills my hug quota till it is overflows, he is learning to take responsibility quickly ~ there isn't much child left in him.
We had a group of guys out to the house for basketball, an off trail adventure, bratwursts and smores last Friday. What an eyeopener to have that much testosterone in one place all at one time! It was a kick! Today was his actual turning and we celebrated with the world renowned Wheat Montana cinnamon rolls! (appropo for his first bday here!)

Thank you, Father God, for such a wonderful son! He is a man after your own heart.

We also had a bit of a surprise:

The first birthday ever to have a snowfall!! Strange, indeed.

Connection Time

Shortly after moving and becoming full time pastors, we realized that we needed a "date night" for our family as well as James and my usual one alone. We settled on Tuesday. Every Tuesday James comes in the door by 6pm, we have dinner waiting, and then our date begins!

We crank up the tunes (last night was Newsboys) and sit down to enjoy a meal together (Black bean and Cajun Shrimp Tostadas shown from last night).
Then we do an activity. Sometimes we play a game, sometimes its listening to a sermon, but with the onset of Spring we have been getting outside and kickin' it with the sunshine! In our back yard is a trail that leads to a look-out over the entire Gallatin Valley. That was last nights activity.
I haven't really exercised all winter, and everyone stopped to let me catch my breath about 12 times! :o) The trail begins at about 5200 feet above sea level and ends at about 5700 - you would probably need to catch your breath too! The family gave me hiking boots for Mother's Day (hint hint, Mom - you're putting on some pounds!) so I had to break them in (an me along with them!)

But I documented the fact that I made it! It was gorgeous!

What I really loved was that we laughed together, talked incessantly, sang goofy songs (big surprise there for those of you who know us at all) and strengthened our hearts as family.

God's heart as Father is never more real to me than when I see my kids interacting with their Dad. Whether in correction, laughter, teaching or snuggles - God's heart towards me as His daughter is reaffirmed.

I am Blessed!

(for those of you wondering - the Golden Retriever is our landlords dog who loves us :o)! )

Outta Sight

Somebody's devestation. Somebody else's ruined life.

How easy it is to put out of my mind. At least it was.

Tofer is there. Heart of New Orleans. Standing Water. Mosquitos. Heat. Humidity. Broken homes. Mud - waist high.

He's working. Mucking. Gutting. Rebuilding. Touching lives. Bringing life.

My thoughts are never far from New Orleans. At least Now they aren't. Tofer is there.

The Man in Our Lives

There once was a day when they all would have fit IN the chair...
I fell in love with his voice. In 9th grade (he was in 11th) at a Jazz Choir performance when he sang Billy Joels' "The Longest Time" my heart was his. I didn't know his name, but I would have married him on the spot. Little did I know that the following year he would ask me to dance in PE class and we would be dancing together for the rest of our lives.
Since my initial meltdown in 9th grade, our lives have diverged and merged again, seen the rollercoaster highs and lows of becoming one flesh, held three newborn babies that God granted us the grace to create, and heard the 'song of redemption' sung over us, mercifully, infinate times. We have grown together. We have changed.
Yet, he still makes me laugh (if he catches me off guard), makes me feel beautiful, makes me weak, makes me want to spit nails, and makes me proud to belong to him alone.
He doubts his abilities as a Dad, but he needn't. He has three kids who want more than anything to see HIS smile over them. They feel secure in his love. If he is proud of them, they are proud of themselves. Their hearts belong to Daddy.
Happy Fathers' Day. To all of you papas out there, but especially to the man who accepted with joy a very broken, troublesome, hotheaded little Lass and believed in her enough to make her his "Paul Girl" for a lifetime.

Cultivating Individuality

I'm reading a book right now, and it is teaching me so much about being a wife and mom. The title sounds like that is just what I should be learning from it, but it isn't that KIND of book at all! Its an interior design book called "Creating a Beautiful Home". I picked it up at a garage sale for free.
When I was in highschool I really didn't want to go to college. I hated the atmosphere of school. It didn't seem much different from the prisons I'd seen in movies. But the thing that got me on the road to going to college were the correspondence art classes my mom signed me up for through the Illinois Institute of Art Chicago. If I had to train for a career, I would train in design!
We all know from my previous post that God had a different dream for me to live out. It is one that I adore, and am so thankful to be fulfilling. Ever since I had our 1st daughter I became a Stay-at-Home Girl. I wouldn't trade it for the world. However, living on one income doesn't accommodate the designer side of me! I have sometimes been frustrated by the necessity to eat and pay bills even though I would love to put a new wall treatment in the livingroom, or windowboxes overflowing with a bower of blooms at our front windows. I have concentrated on my kids, and becoming someone in whom my husband's heart can fully trust in and rely on.
That brings me back to the book I'm reading! The author has been expounding on her own journey as a designer and how she has come to a place where she sees her role as someone who brings light and beauty to darkened homes, while still cultivating the individuality of their owners, & teaching them how to propagate that themselves. I sat there a stunned realization that that has always been my role as well. I strive to instill The Light and beauty of God into my children, & the atmosphere of our daily lives while allowing them to show His Light and beauty in their unique ways and encouraging them onward. I'm an interior designer! God builds the house, and I get to decorate it!
We took a drive and hike yesterday. The kids' cultivated individuality showed throughout the day! Cassia was tired, but she was the lover of beauty and tranquility. The peacemaker. The one who takes everyone into her heart and wants the best for them even when she is exhausted. Christopher was dealing with allergies, but he was alert for what would look cool in a video and taking pics. He is an appreciator, and likes to be appreciated. Sensitive and quick witted, while growing in keeping his feelings in check. He is striving to learn balance. Minda had a toe bugging her, but we didn't hear about it until the end of the day (and it turned out her sock had a wrinkle!). We turned bends to find her in trees or at the top of hills looking down and waving wildly. She collected ~ Cotton, blowing in the wind; fungus, growing on the side of a trees; tiny rocks, smoothed by the river... she climbed onto nearly sunken logs, pointed out strange sounds and laughed unrestrainedly. I love who they are, but I have plans to bring even more of The Light into the darkened corners!
pics below...

Telling the Culture the Truth

When I was little (in the 70's) Gloria Steinham was all over the news, the fight for women to get equal salary for equal work was the current fight in congress, and bra burning was a show of whether or not you were truly committed to the cause. Imagine my teacher's face when in 3rd grade social studies I answered the question "What would you like to be when you grow up?" with "A wife and mother." I was told that was what any woman could do and that wasn't a career. I had to come up with another answer or get demerits.
I was brought up in a one parent household. A latchkey kid if there ever was one. I saw my dad once every few years, got presents that were too big or too small, a letter or phone call occasionally... the same story many of the offspring of the Baby Boomers have to tell.
When I came to know Christ as my Father (a long process) I had already become a mindwarped child of the culture. When it came to men I believed the old song, "Anything you can do, I can do better. I can do anything better than you." It was going to take someone strong and powerful to wrangle me in as a wife. When it came to being a mother, I didn't mind being one, I just didn't want to be like my mom or grama (though now I see what incredible odds they overcame). But remember when I told you about Nigglers? My spirit didn't believe what my mind & culture were telling me. It really began to niggle when a guy, who was an unashamed Christian, with a singing voice that made dreams come true in young girls' hearts, began to pay special attention to me. The dreams that came rushing back to the surface were of belonging to someone who loved me - only me, and having a big family that would grow up knowing and loving God. The dreams of being a wife and mother.
I had set in motion all the necessary cogs and wheels for going off to college. I had won two scholarships that would pay for 4 years of education at NNU, I had been accepted, had sent in my dorm fees, and shopped for a new wardrobe (the first time I could ever remember doing so in 18 years... or since for that matter). A wrench was thrown into my well oiled machine, however. THE guy moved to my town, began taking me to a church that changed... no, changed isn't the right word... Refocused, yes that's it, refocused my priorities and I announced to everyone that I was staying home. One month later I was engaged, 2 months after that I was married, one year later I was a mom...

I have had much criticism, and apologetic headshakes from ladies who still believe the cultural brainwashing. I was one of the lucky (or rather... Blessed) ones. I found The Truth & the truth. God's grace & the truth that The Meaning of Life is Love. In Loving God, Loving others, and Loving who I am when I am Loving. I am valuable. That means able to be valued... I have worth because of Love.
A study that came out at the beginning of the month brought this home to me. It's a secular study... One from the culture!! Another Article deals with the same issue here. 20 years after all the bras in America were burned to smithereens the smoke is clearing and a new generation (mine! woo hoo!) is writing a neo-creed and stiching up some newfangled braziers!
This site gives a monetary value to what we do every day! I'm worth $197,213 annually... I can't even imagine. I don't need it though. I didn't get into this line of work for the money. I do it for the Love.