I Can Feel My Heartbeat

We went for a hike today. Cassia showed me some of her favorite spots to just 'be' and to talk with God. The one thing I was regretting about our recent move was leaving my garden. Today, God showed me just how much He cares about the little things inside of me. As I walked through our woods I found nearly all of my favorite flowers! Lupine, Lily-of-the-Valley, violets, Lilacs, Pussywillows... There were even some I had not seen before ~ Kittentail, Elksedge, Wood Crocus... Something that I didn't even realize was dormant inside of me broke loose from it's grave and I found myself singing this song on the way home!

I catch the sound of my name
And I start to wonder
Just how long I’ve been asleep
You say it’s time, time to rise
Wake from all this slumber
Suddenly my deepest winter’s turning into spring
Turning into spring
I’m alive, I’m alive again
I can feel my heartbeat
Breathing out and I’m breathing in
You have come and rescued me
And I’m alive again
I feel the sun on my face
Seems I had forgotten
What it means to really live
Filled with hope filled with love
And anticipation
Standing with my arms wide open free as I have been
Free as I have ever been
You have saved me just by being
Filling emptiness with meaning
You put passion back into my soul

~Scott Krippayne

Ripples of Time

Have you ever seen an oyster shell? They aren't uncommon. One of the most common shells you an pick up on the Northwest coast in fact, but have you ever really seen one?

I find them humble; homely. I don't like oysters. They have no real value to me. They aren't rare and therefore aren't treasure.

So, why am I even bringing them up if I am so indifferent to them? Knowledge. I found something out that made a difference.

Sprawling and uneven, it has the irregular shape of waves, movement, or even growth. Each is fitted and formed by its own struggle to survive. The rock, root, or shell that the oyster glues itself to will forever carry the scars from the lifetime attachment. The most ideal place for attachment is on the shell of another Oyster that is glued for life to an unyielding rock.
The longer it is attached the larger it grows. The most important function of an oyster is that it filters over 50 gallons of water in an hour. It is unique in the mollusk world in that it has gills in it's submerged shell that allow it to filter the water it takes in, leaving it better for the others who share the water with it.

Is life ever one size fits all? Is it ever, always beautiful and polished? I have spent the past 18.5 years married to one man (glued to him for life - tenaciously fought for). The cortex of my being bears the marks of growth. Knobby, uneven, undulating, but growth none-the-less. Our marriage has grown from simply the fragile bond of romance where the focus was upon ourselves to a bond of looking outward, reaching outward, working outward. Many bonds have formed a web that is taut and firm, intircate and enduring. Romance is only one strand of many now.
I would love to try to cure the signs of growth sometimes. I would love to be able to retreat to a shell that looks less like the mother of a sprawling family; something more petite, and with less wrinkles. That would not be freedom, however. That would put me back in a place of encumberance. I am an oyster. Fimly planted, for life, growing through the adversities & pleasantries, allowing that growth to take on a shape and form all it's own. My prayer is that what flows through me is clarified and becomes beneficial.
I hope others can look past the outter shell ~ and be fascinated by the glue.

Big Picture Friday

One of the things I love most about where we live. The deer call this thicket behind our house "home". Mama recently had twins. They barely come to my waist (which ,for those of you who know me, you know how tiny that is!) The early evening almost always finds our Nimble-O chattering at them for eating so close to his pinecone hoard. :o)

New life is always amazing... I never tire of miracles. A friend has a robin who built her nest on his second story window. He has watched as each day she adds one more egg. She is up to 3 now. Another friend gave birth to her first son this week! They named him Zugwai Yeshi. It means "We are grateful God did it!"

What is God doing in your neck of the woods?

Making it Home!

The kids and I have been painting! We are loving making this palce truely ours, even though we're renting. More photos below!

Phase 2 - Entry and hall

Olive Shadow next to Exotic Honey

End of the day.

More photos on flickr! Click the link/badge to the right, it'll take you right to it!

Friends Don't Shake Hands...

Friends Come to Visit!!!!

Paul and Shari and the boys came to spend Easter weekend with us! It was such a refreshing, fun, love-filled time. What a great joy to have friends who just want to be with us. We had no agenda - only to be. Shari and I snuck off to coffee, which was a treat for me. Paul and James went out to a lopsided Fooseball tournament and a balanced conversation. There was lots of wrestling, laughter, eating, and contented sighs, and time to simply relax.

Thanks for blessing us!

(Somehow Matthew escaped all my shots, but Cassia got some great ones... I'll ask her if I can post some of hers!)

Faith's Tag

It's been awhile since I posted anything, forgive the absence. Life gets so busy sometimes I forget there are people waiting for me to throw them a line. A friend in GA tagged me, so I will post that for now and try to come back soon with something a little closer to home!

1. What’s your #1 comfort food? Coffee
2. If you were on a deserted island, what one food would you want to have with you? Salsa & white corn tortilla chips
3. What is/are your signature dishes? Salsa, Baking Powder Biscuits, Chicken Enchiladas, muffins
4. It’s Friday night, you don’t know what to cook. You opt for… Bean burritos
5. What’s your biggest weakness when it comes to food? Candy- either gummy sour somethings, or cinnamin Hot Heads
6. What food can you absolutely not eat? Cauliflower, liver, & I'm allergic to chocolate and nuts
7. You need a drink. You grab…. Water ... if you are talking alcoholic drink here, probably a Smirnoff or Malbec Red wine.
8. What’s the most decadent dish you’ve had? don't know
9. What’s your favorite type of food? fresh vegtables and fruits
10. Favorite dish? Green curry with tofu, or Tomatoe Basil soup with jalepenos, tofu and parmesan.
11. If your spouse could take you to any restaurant you wanted, which one would it be? Ooooo... tough. I like too many for different reasons. Breakfast - Nova Cafe' or CatEye, Lunch- CatEye, Dana's, Dinner- McMennamins, Plonk, Chateau Lk Louise...
12. Are you a soup or salad person? Both.
13. Buffet, take-out or sit-down restaurant? sit-down
14. What’s the most impressive dinner you’ve ever made? I have no idea - Cordon Bleu?
15. Do you consider yourself a good cook? Good, but not amazing.
16. Do you know what vichyssoise is? Yes
17. Who’s your favorite TV cook? I don't have TV, but I do make recipes from Emril, Giada, and Michael Chiarello. OH! and Dave Lieberman.
18. Can you name at least three TV cooking personalities? I just did.
19. Homemade or homemade from a box? Homemade because it means that I'm cutting down on the garbage output, I know exactly what is going into it, and if it is yummy I get all the praise and don't have to divide it with Betty Crocker.

Big Picture Friday

Eye To the Telescope? Could she be the next KT?

Unusual Wind for Bozeman. It wreaked havok with my hair... James made the best of it!
(I may have the hair, but I do NOT have the voice... bummer.) Saw the coolest Video of Black horse & a cherry tree. If you use Yota, go to KT and then click on videos. Its totally worth it!

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

We had been trying to have Jess over for weeks, and this last Saturday it finally happened.

We had pizza.

Made Craisin Cookies

Not without its hazards.

and played games.

They went on hikes, sledding, played with the animals and watched Harvey!

That's What Friends Are For

Being in a new community after 16 years in the same body, same town, having our families close and knowing the in and outs of the town and vicinities, is challenging my heart to trust God.

I'm a relational being. It is hard to get to know me, though. I tend to feel awkward and shy in new situations and I turtle. Needless to say, the friends I make are friends for life!

12 years ago, a sweet 17 yr old came into our lives to be a babysitter to our kids. She loved us relentlessly and we returned the favor. Though she is 7 years younger than me, we relate with one another. I respect her immensely.

She came to visit us this week. We had her all to ourselves from Saturday to Thursday! I didn't realize how much my heart was in need of that intimacy that comes from being KNOWN & loved until Cassia made this observation... :

"It is so good to hear you laughing again, Mom."

It struck me that I have not laughed a whole lot since we moved 3 months ago. Oh, I laugh with James, and with the kids, and even with guests - but with Sabrina I let loose that deep, spirit soaring laugh.

On Sabby's 2nd evening with us, Minda came upstairs after she was supposed to be in bed and said, "Could you 2 keep it down? I can't get to sleep with your loud outbursts."

Wednesday, I was able to share with our new Home Group that I was longing for that to be a consistant thing again. I know it is God's desire. I will be faithful to love those He brings into my life and pray that His Spirit will knit me to the ones who will be my next "lifelong friends"!

Thank you for coming Sabrina. I'm already counting the days until next time! I love you!

Journey to the Center

"Over the years I have come to realize that the greatest trap of our life is "self refection". It is the greatest enemy because it contradicts the sacred voice that calls us the "Beloved". Being the Beloved constitutes the core truth to our existance." ~Henri Nouwen

If you have read this blog for any length of time you know that My life theme seems to be death to the self that keeps me from being fully God's. I talk often of my state of depravity, of wanting to become less so he can become more, of the cross working in me...

But there is a danger in camping there. The Love, which called me into existance, calls me to come out of self-loathing and step into The Truth.

"the reason we never enter into the deepest reality of relationship with God is hat we so seldom acknowledge our utter nothingness before Him." ~ Thomas Merton

This acknowledgement is not, however, done with a hatred for who I am, but in a humility as I realize who He is and His love towards me - not in spite of who I am but as I am.

To the extent that I allow the relentless tenderness of Jesus to invade me, will I see the Truth of who I am. He promises that He will not snuff us out; that He will be a Savior of unbearable forgiveness. God's sorrow lies in my failure to approach Him. I am accepted, loved immutably. God loves me even in (I could go as far as to say Especially in) my brokeness.

"This brokeness is what needs to be accepted. Unfortunately, this is what we tend to reject. Here the seeds of corrosive self-hatered take root. This painful vulnerability is the characteristic feature of our humanity that most needs to be embraced in order to restore our human condition to a healed state." ~ Nicholas Harnan

Yes, I need the death of my the cross to be at work in me. But, I also need to find the power of it.

Yes, I need to see my depraved state without Christ. But, I also need to see His strength as my source.

Yes, I need to know the reality of what sin does to my eternal state and be broken by it. But, I also need know the acceptance & love that gives me wings.

Looking at the Bright Side

The only nice thing about driving to

the dentist's office.

I went and had a broken tooth fixed by a wonderful dentist in a town about an hour away. I hate dental work. YES - hate - strong word, strong feeling!

James drove me so I wouldn't have to be alone. The sun was setting behind the mountains as we drove home. God gave me a bright side.

Minda's Proclaimation

"I am SO ready for summer!" This seems to be the sentiment of many during these last weeks of winter. I must tell you though, after waiting for YEARS for a snow filled winter, I'm in no rush to see Spring. I will love it when it comes, but snow on the pines, snow on my roof, icicles dripping down ~ I adore it. Minda on the other hand is purchasing a swimsuit and unearthing her coconut oil...

Current Obsessions

(Lots of Linky lovin' on the page! Click on the pictures to be transported!)

Ethiopian Yirgacheffe Coffee
Delicate fragrance of orange blossoms, with a clean, smooth, elegant finish. Imogen Heap
Speak for Yourself - Angelic sounding Emo

Rockford Coffee -

At the Cusp of 7th and Main

Superfood Micronutrient -

Green fruity Goodness

Down Comfort -

snuggle down in!

Bare Minerals -

Amazing and wonderful

Moleskine. Thoughts, scribbles, anywhere, everywhere.

The Visitation

Grama came!

What more do you need?

~ One night not long ago ~

~ 3 Nights ago ~


~ 2 Nights ago ~

Look at that sunset beginning behind us!

(yes Tof can lift and carry me... and yes he has cornrows... but look at that sky!)

What other forms of manipulation do you need to see before you come visit?!?!

As He Becomes Clear

I love music! (Why do you think I married a musician?) I don't spend hours hitting the rewind button trying to get a lick down just right, but none the less, there is nothing that brings me to my knees quicker or lifts me to the throne of God faster than a song.

I am a dancer at heart. Always have been, always will be, even when I'm 80! So, I love things that get me stirred up a and set my feet to groovin', but 2 artists have an uncanny ability to render me helpless. A puddle, if you will... Their lyrics - My prayer.

Chris Rice questions, yet praises still. His very human cries for belonging, feelings of worthlessness, and forthrightness with his tendancy to wander validate my own heart, yet don't leave me to wallow there. He never finishes without retelling me that "God is Big Enough", that "He still wants to hold me and use me", and that He "races to meet me and bring me back to life".

Bebo Norman is the other one. I get teased about this one all the time. Everyone thinks I like him because he is handsome. Have you listened to his lyrics? He breaks my heart. My knees bend in submission to the Spirit's whisper that invades the hardened shell as he sings. He is handsome - get over it and see his heart. I happen to have a dangerously handsome man of my own with a voice that melts me quite effectively.

This morning I cried. I turned on my playlist on Rhapsody and went on editing photos. By the end of the first song, first chorus I was useless as God spoke and I repented -again- for my indifference and self sufficiancy. Here's it is (prepare to be jello):

Disappear Bebo Norman
On a day like this I want to crawl beneath a rock

A million miles from the world

The commotion that never seems to stop
And on a day like this I want to run from the routine

Run away from the daily grind

That can suck the life right out of me
I only know of one place I can run to…

CHORUS:

I want to hide in You

The Way, The Life, The Truth

So I can disappear

And love is all there is to see

Coming out of me

And you become clear

As I disappear

I don't want to care about earthly things

Be caught up in all the lies

That trick my eyes

They say it's all about me
I'm so tired of it being about me

CHORUS:

I want to hide in You

The Way, The Life, The Truth

So I can disappear

And love is all there is to see

Coming out of me

And you become clear

As I disappear

2Co 3:16 Whenever, though, they turn to face God as Moses did, God removes the veil and there they are--face to face!
2Co 3:17 They suddenly recognize that God is a living, personal presence, not a piece of chiseled stone. And when God is personally present, a living Spirit, that old, constricting legislation is recognized as obsolete. We're free of it!
2Co 3:18 All of us! Nothing between us and God, our faces shining with the brightness of his face. And so we are transfigured much like the Messiah, our lives gradually becoming brighter and more beautiful as God enters our lives and we become like him.

As He Becomes Clear...